Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
