Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
