Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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