All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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