it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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