So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think my fart just growled at me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
