Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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