I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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