I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Houston, we have a blender
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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