Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
