He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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