I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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