I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
