I just threw up on my dentist
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
