When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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