____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
