A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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