No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
