YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
