I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
