You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
and she was petting her beer can
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
