I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
