Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
