Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
