I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
