Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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