My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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