When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
