There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize