I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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