Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
