I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
