I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
