Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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