New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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