When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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