I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
