I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
