I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
whose parrot is this?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
