Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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