Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
