There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
