dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
