Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
