i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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