Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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