She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
