there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
