I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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