you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
