last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
FUCK WHALES
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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