You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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