I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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